It's been a while since I posted... but my life threw me a couple curveballs and sometimes it's just difficult to get out of your own way and find the time to sit down and write. I certainly wanted to, I just couldn't bring myself to doing it.
It's time again!
January 2013 was full of resolutions and ideas, ohhhh the ideas.... February 2013 is full of wondering what exactly those resolutions were and ideas that still have been given the proper attention.
I also gave up Largo, which means I went from working out 3 times a day, to mostly 1 hot yoga practice daily, or sometimes I would do a drop in turbo class or a drop in largo class, but I was no longer a member. I needed the break, my body needed the break, my head needed the break. But, I didn't feel like myself, I thought I would enjoy it - instead I felt very lazy and extremely useless when I wasn't intensely working out. I even tried a few mornings with Jillian Michaels, but it is just not the same! Needless to say, I am back to being a Largo member as of Saturday, and already I feel skinnier! Funny how the mind works.
My yoga practice has been stellar lately! loving it! Yesterday we did a partner yoga workshop with Christian and Steve, Ashley was my partner. We had so much fun! It was like 2.5 hours of playing in the hot room with your best friend! An absolute blast!
I am going for a fairly big operation March 14, It's an abdomanaplasty (aka tummy tuck) funded by the government due to my extreme weight loss! extreme? I don't think so, but my belly states otherwise!
I'm not sure if this operation is huge because it's going to change my body and have me on a lengthy recovery, or because everything I hate about my body is going to be gone! The one thing that holds me back, that makes me feel insecure, that sometimes makes me break down in tears, that keeps me from mirrors, that makes me scream and go into fits of rage, that one thing - will be gone! Not going to lie, it scares the absolute shit out of me, I was never one for change, but I do know that deep down inside I love myself, and I love what my body helps me do - especially after all of the abuse and stress I put it through - it has never once given up on me - and I like to think this surgery is just going to better it and it might help my mind catch up to my body (which is probably the only thing I haven't been able to do yet)
I am just starting to tell people about this upcoming transformation, and I wish I had of done it sooner, because instead of feeling ashamed that I have to get this done, I feel proud that all of my hard work is paying off, and I can't believe the support I have been getting from my friends and the people around me and it is making me so much more positive towards this, instead of afraid.
I told myself I would lose 30lbs by this surgery, I had 3 months to do it... I have not lost 30 lbs, I have not even lost 3 lbs, what I have lost - is many things I enjoyed, instead I spent most mornings weighing myself and getting even angrier, and I lost $80.00 that I paid my dietitian to gain 6lbs... muscle or not - it's not what I need right now. I was so stressed out and angry that I forgot about all the positive things in life and I forgot all of my previous accomplishments, instead I was focusing on the fact that I can't! I had coffee with my friend Saturday morning, and again - everything made sense! I don't know why I wait so long to have a conversation with her because I know I need it, but I am glad we did. I have a month until my surgery, and I am going to focus on loving myself, embracing my yoga practice, working my ass off at Largo, and becoming stronger to recover from the operation, and of course - smiling! Because really? Who wants a non-smiling Jenny ...I'm pretty sure that must have been awful for those around me, although I do put on a pretty good front ;)
One question I got on Saturday... "why do you want to lose 30 lbs"? I didn't even have an answer, other than I don't really feel my number is worthy of this surgery, which is just silly, because yes it is! And why after all these years am I still so focused on a number? Those who love me, aren't calling me by a number, they don't refer to me as a number, why do I do it myself? If anyone can answer these questions, feel free to do so ;)
I'm so sick of guilt, and torturing myself, but I am the only one who can put an end to it. And, it started yesterday, and already I feel much better! It's going to be a long process, and it's not going to be easy, but I realized this weekend that I have a wicked support system and I have lots of people who see me much differently than I see myself - and eventually I hope to see what they see!
Well... that's it for today. I have so much to reflect, share, and write write write! And that I shall!
Hope you'll join me for the ride! I promise it will provide some fabulous recipes and cute photos!!
JG OUT!
