Love, not fear... That is it

I have been having a tough time the last few weeks...self-image is a problem for me, and negative self-image is something that takes over my thoughts daily. I push myself hard, see no results, punish myself, and the cycle continues...sounds lovely doesn't it? I am part of a group where we talk about our weight loss issues, self-image, our accomplishments, goals, and victories in our weight loss battle, and they have all posted a before and after picture - one of those side-by-side ones. I don't have one of those, and mainly because I am extremely embarrassed of my heavy weight and when I see those pictures I don't necessarily become proud, I become ashamed, and since I am not at my "after" yet I felt it was wrong to have one of those pictures. Long story short, with the motivation from this group of strangers who are all in the same boat as  me one way or another, someone made me a split photo of my before and "during" progress...I really don't see a huge change,  but I do know I am healthier, stronger, and a completely different person and it blows my mind that I was that size at one time...WOW! What was I thinking?
After looking at that photo, I was excited and then I was completely livid that I have not yet met my goal, so resentful....

Then I walked my fat self into the hot room and as soon as our instructor came in and advised us to take a deep breath in and a deep breath out, he proceeded to say "enter your practice with love, not fear, go further than you may have gone before, don't be afraid, anytime you give something your love - you don't have to fear it" ....breath in, breath out... "Love, not fear, that is it"  
That is how my class started....WHAT? seriousally - that is exactly what I needed to hear today, thank goodness I showed up on my mat! So as I went through my practice, I thought about how simple he made it sound, how simple with 3 words he summed up my life... except most of the time I'm the complete opposite, I go through life in fear, not love (for myself)  ANYWAYS...as I was thinking about this statement, I did go deeper than I have ever went before in my dancers pose, I did breathe a little more love into my SELF, and I finished off my savasana thinking how I should be proud of my accomplishment, and I should be thankful I made the choices I made, and I should continue my journey with love, not fear, and maybe, just MAYBE I will finally reach my goal. That being said, I decided to share my picture - I took the advice of a close friend, and shared it with "the world" .... even thinking about it makes me anxious, I left it on my FB for about 12 hours, I got some really nice words from friends, a few likes, and a huge rush for overcoming my fear and letting people see what hard work, sweat, and dedication has done for me! I lasted 12 hours, and removed it, I couldn't stand to look at it anymore...

GRATITUDE - I am no longer that girl....who was that girl? I hope I never see her again, but I do thank her for helping me create the person I am today, I just wish she'd completely let go so I could move on, and perhaps by sharing her with the world who may have never knew her, she can do that!

JG out!