Give yourself permission...

We need to give ourselves permission to feel all our emotions, including anger.
But by allowing yourself this permission, doesn't necessarily mean giving yourself permission to rage, or freak out, or verbally abuse yourself or those around you. It means your need to find ways to express your anger with grace and dignity, whether you believe it or not, this means of expressing anger is possible. I have done it...without even realizing, and that might have been the best part! Mind you, I have had days where I hacked and cleaved at the world, verbally abused someone or something (usually some thing), pounded my pillow, but there are days when took the more graceful approach and I'd take my built up anger and write it out, or I'd shout it out in the privacy of my home or car, or I'd go to the gym and work it out, or I'd show up on my mat and sweat it out! There are ways...and I've done both!

Today in the Living Your Moksha challenge, we are currently on week 1, day 7...the end of week 1. I did it! I feel I didn't give it my all - which upsets me because that is not how I roll, however for the rest of this challenge, I am going to give it my all. I do however feel good, and I know even though I may have failed the no-dairy challenge, I still do my body good by eating 95% perfectly healthy and exercising - so when I do slip-up, I need to recgonize for what it is, let it go, and keep on keepin' on!

I was feeling so good today after my 12pm kickboxing class, so strong, and so good, couldn't wait for Kelly's 4:15 flow! I got on to my mat, came up for the sun salutation and couldn't believe what I was seeing in the mirror - ughk! Why oh why must I feel this way? We made our way in to warrior II and I got an immediate feeling of fury rushing through my body - and I was in all black, so you can only imagine, black is slimming? as if! I might as well have been moo-ing on my mat! Not 3 seconds later, Kelly started saying that because this week was "Be Healthy" she was focusing on more of the outside of this statement, by telling us that not only is eating clean - healthy, but being nice to ourselves is just as important, and that we need not judge ourselves so negatively but to look deep down and embrace the positive. Easier said than done, yes. BUT - was Kelly currently reading my mind? She is so right! I may not be skinny, and I may not be the picture perfect girl, but I have lost 100lbs, and I can bend and twist my body in ways that others may not think is even possible, I have a stellar personality and you know what...I work damn hard, and it makes me feel good. Why should I feel guilty feeling good?
But as Kelly continued teaching class, for every negative thought that came into my head, she retracted with a sense of positivity and why letting go of the negative is so important. As I finished her fantabulous kick-ass flow - I was left wondering, if this was her intention for the past 7 days, why hadn't I got to one of her classes sooner?

After I walked out of the hot room, a few of us got talking about that class intention that had just been set, and we were talking, all 4 of us have the same feelings, maybe not all at the same time, but believe ir or not, I am not the only one who feels this insecurity, or this self destructing negativity - it was so interesting to actually talk out loud about such strong emotions to others who can actually relate. I know that if I treated others the way I treat myself, I would have no "others" in my life. How ridiculous is that? Is it time to break it off with myself? I mean clearly I wouldn't live this unhealthy relationship with anyone else, so why live it with myself?  Or should I notice the anger for what it is, let it go, and try to find the positive?

As I walked out of the studio, and got to my car, I had to actually sit there and wonder for a minute...
Why must we be always wanting to be someone or something else? Why can't we see the negative for what it is, let it pass by, and let the positivity take over? Probably because we feel guilty feeling good - we feel guilt if we show confidence, because a girl like me shouldn't be confident, right? and I sure as hell shouldn't wake up feeling "skinny" because, well, I'm not. So it seems negativity always finds a way to creep in.

Now I ask...
Instead of focusing on what we aren't and what isn't, why can't we be happy with what and who we are? Which probably really isn't as bad as we precieve ourselves to believe...

I read this book called, Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie. It's a Daily Meditation on the Path to Freeing your Soul.
Strange Coincidence, I just opened it to May 7th and the title reads Are You Angry?
Why yes Melody, I was, how'd ya know?
Her daily meditation is as follows:

Let yourself feel angry when anger is what
you really feel. Then get the anger out of your
head and out of your body. Once that's happened,
you'll feel clear. You'll know what to do next.
The path to your heart, to your inner voice,
will be opened. Sometimes getting angry is
exactly what we need to do next.
 -Melody Beattie

Week 1 is over, and Week 2 begins.
A new week means new opportunities!

"Be Accesible" ...BRING IT ON!!!!!