Mirror, Mirror

Finally, I've run out of juice...I have pushed myself so hard that my body finally said "fuck off" and for probably one of the only times, I listened. If yoga makes you aware...well, I was aware. I couldn't not do anything today, so instead of working out 2-3 times, I did one yoga class and a 30 minute guided meditation...which is considered "my day off" and I did what every instructor reminds us to do on a daily basis... Listen To Your Body!

I feel as though in that 90 minutes, I had to look so hard into myself for strength that it honestly wore myself out. Not my plan. ugh. I also felt like it started my afternoon with hatred and left the rest of my afternoon with so much hate and guilt, it was unbearable.

Airlie's classes are always so fantastic and full of such deep insight and wisdom, you never know what to expect. First of all, the hot-room wasn't so hot today, so that made for a different practice, and Airlie's message was "this practice is different from the practice before this", she was saying that things change, and no second is like the last, honestly my whole practice felt different today, and because the heat wasn't at its' normal temp - I felt the poses in different places, and the stretches were just different, and I'm not sure if it was because of the practice itself or because of the message Airlie was relaying to us. I don't know if I ever felt as anxious in class as I did today, and I'm not sure if it's because I knew I had already signed in for meditation (meditating scares me) or if its because everything was different today, it wasn't familiar (once again, scary!) I hate chair pose, whoever thought that was a good idea was out of their mind! Awkward pose - no, please, no, don't make me do it!! And she didn't, she came right out of chair pose into eagle, I had such a sense of relief and gratitude for this transition. Had she read my mind? Ah well, I'll take it! But yet, this whole practice, I was hating my self, my face, my warrior, my purple tank-top (whose bright idea was it to wear horizontal stripes? eff!). Luckily, I have my "spot" and it keeps me far enough away from the mirror that without my glasses I can't see myself clearly but close enough that I can tell if I am aligned properly...BUT, low and behold, as we get to the balancing series, Airlie tells us to turn towards the side mirror...AHHH! I am now 2nd row? close as hell to that huge gigantic mirror....she better be telling us to take a forward fold....NOPE! Toppling Tree...stare at yourself and move into toppling tree...terrible! I could hardly handle it. I couldn't even focus in the fear that she was going to make us do Dancer's Pose this close to the mirror....fuck - I want to run and hide! BUT - no Dancer? well...phewf! Next up, tree...that means standing tall, tailbone to the floor, top of the head towards the ceiling, every vulnerable piece of me staring directly into a mirror, my heart was racing, my mind was yelling pure hatred at me, I wanted out, I wanted to crawl into child's pose and cry...I can't go to child's pose, someone might think I've given up, and I am not a quitter... 2nd side, *light bulb* stare at the ceiling - there! I not only challenged my balance BUT I didn't have to look into that mirror!
****Savasana****
I'm still in pure hatred mode - which is weird because yoga ALWAYS makes me a better person, not today, too much looking in/at oneself... and great! I have to stay and meditate? **ANXIETY**
8 FLOWS! are you serious? As if I'm not worked up enough...alright Jenny, you can do this! DONE!
Finally, its over...hello final savasana...I've been waiting for you ;)

So, I meditated... I sat there quietly, with only a slight fidget here or there, I think I even conked out once or twice - but I stayed present, Airlie was explaining something about a man going to the river, and how that same man goes to the river again, but its not the same river, and he's not the same man. I completely understand what she's saying...and I sat there listening, thinking, and thinking, and thinking...and thinking about turning off my thoughts, and how cool it would be if I could just stop thinking, or if I could erase my mind and start new again - now that would be letting go! hmm...how can I erase my mind? Why am I thinking, ooh right, the current, its a current, in the river, and it keeps going and going and going, no matter how hard we try to stop it, just sometimes the current is stronger than we would like it to be, and sometimes its calm, and everything is okay!

I was going to go to one more Moksha class today, at either 415 or 530, instead I listened to my body slightly telling me that it's wore out, and that it does kickboxing 5 days a week, 1-2 yoga classes a day, sometimes walks for an hour or two a day, plus working - "I NEED A BREAK!" So! I put aside the guilt, I talked myself into taking a rest, and I had a hot bubble bath, a nap, and spent some well-deserved time with some family members. I then heard a silent "THANK YOU!" A much needed, perhaps even deserved break. And as for today, its over, I've let go, and tomorrow is a new day!

No processed foods - EPIC FAIL
The funny thing is, I'm not even a processed foods kind of girl, OH and remember? I gave up dairy for 7 weeks - well, I went out to a local restaurant and they have the best nachos on this Island, so obviously we started with nachos...hello cheese? and I imagine that jalapeno cheese sauce isn't natural? There - processed food AND dairy - oops! Feta on my Greek salad - dairy! ugh - I failed! This whole day has just been full of wrong. BUT - tomorrow is a new day, and it was only one day, and it doesn't make or break me, and it doesn't change who I am, and it sure as heck doesn't make me a failure, it's just your everyday girl having a weak moment. LET IT GO. Tomorrow is a new day, new beginnings, a new practice, and a day of the unknown....

A friend gave me a book today by Louise L. Hay, a book based on affirmations, about believing that your mind can overcome anything, that your mind has the power to make or break you.
I took the book in my hand and read the title "You can heal your life" ...I CAN? Are you f*cking serious right now? Why hadn't someone told me this sooner!

First line..."I am peace" umm...isn't this exactly what I stated in my last post that I was currently searching for? So, I do believe in the secret, but negativity always takes over the positive thoughts, and runs them right out of my head, so I'm skeptical because I have no idea how your supposed to put the negative out and let positive take over, as far as I'm concerned the negative is much more powerful than the positive. Although, as skeptical as I am, I am looking forward to reading this book, and hopefully I can start to remove the negative and maybe someday I'll be proved wrong, that positive can actually take over negative. We will see!

A day of hatred is exhausting, I'm glad that's over with!

JG OUT!


Then I come across this....
15 things you should give up to make yourself happy, I'll post the one that screamed out at me as soon as I wrote this post;

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.